| University of Victoria Alumni Magazine | Autumn 1999 | Back Issues | Contact

Alumni President's Message | Feature | Ringside | Alumni Profiles | News | Keeping in Touch

VOX ALUMNI

Cracked Crystal:
The Other side of 2000

2010
Tired of complaints about the relevance of university education, English literature courses replace the study of the “classics” with the study of those funny spam e-mails that your friends send out every Monday morning.

2014
Every book in the library is finally recorded on CD-ROM—but it’s always checked out when your paper is due.

2015
Everything the university offers is now available on-line and can be delivered instantly—including the cafeteria food. The muffins are still stale.

2018
Studies in forest biology are replaced by the faculty of eco-tourism. Courses include T-shirt sales, telephone soliciting and walking down Government Street in a sandwich board.

2025
The theatre department is replaced by the department of B.C. film and television. Students are trained in the use of proper American accents and how to play bit parts as cops, hookers and hospital orderlies.

2031
There are now officially more buildings on campus than there are full-time professors.

2037
The physical education department expands to accommodate new Olympic sports—ballroom dancing, five pin bowling, Parcheesi and high speed renditions of the stupid dance that accompanies the Village People classic “YMCA.”

2042
UVic wins national championships in rowing, rugby and Village Peopling.

2049
108 second-year students in the faculty of law launch a class action suit arguing that grades are damaging to their self-esteem and their job prospects.

2050
108 law students graduate from the program with straight A’s

2058
Grades are declared elitist and replaced by colours.

2063
Students rebel when undergraduate requirements for certain third-year courses are raised to mauve. A compromise is reached and most faculties will allow you into the master’s program with a teal average.

2078
The provincial government declares education funding their number one priority.

2079
All remaining provincial funding is cut.

2082
The Martlet runs a story praising the university administration, becoming the first university paper in history ever to do so and thus fulfilling the seventh sign of the apocalypse.

2083
In order to become more environmentally friendly and encourage students to take transit, all but three parking spaces are covered by new faculty buildings. Everyone still brings their cars to school and it takes no longer to find a space than it has in any year since 1985.

2088
A UVic graduate is elected prime minister. Other alumni feel shame but continue to contribute anyway.

2090
With buildings now covering virtually every centimetre on campus, Ring Road is officially declared a parking lot.

2092
Thanks to continued expansion there is now only one tree left on campus. In the annual Maclean’s survey UVic retains the title as “greenest” university in Canada.

2099
A graduate of the UVic entrepreneurship program buys the university and announces plans to re-start it as a small, intimate campus with a focus on a classical education, and plenty of green space. The Martlet runs an editorial claiming he’s lost his faculties.


After 2000
UVic in Asia
Good Medicine
Student Ambassadors
Online Community
Lafayette String Quartet
Alumni Profiles
Women’s Studies
Keeping in Touch


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Before the word millennium is officially outlawed, it’s time to gaze into the crystal ball — now available next to House of the Dead 2 in the SUB video arcade — and reflect on the highlights of the university’s next 100 years.


Mark Leiren-Young—playwright, journalist and screenwriter—regularly contributes to Time Magazine, Utne Reader,the Georgia Straight, and the Vancouver Sun.

Illustration by Bill Schuss

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Alumni President's Message | Feature | Ringside | Alumni Profiles | News | Keeping in Touch

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