The Other side of 2000
Tired of complaints about the relevance of university education, English literature courses replace the study of the classics with the study of those funny spam e-mails that your friends send out every Monday morning.
Every book in the library is finally recorded on CD-ROMbut its always checked out when your paper is due.
Everything the university offers is now available on-line and can be delivered instantlyincluding the cafeteria food. The muffins are still stale.
Studies in forest biology are replaced by the faculty of eco-tourism. Courses include T-shirt sales, telephone soliciting and walking down Government Street in a sandwich board.
The theatre department is replaced by the department of B.C. film and television. Students are trained in the use of proper American accents and how to play bit parts as cops, hookers and hospital orderlies.
There are now officially more buildings on campus than there are full-time professors.
The physical education department expands to accommodate new Olympic sportsballroom dancing, five pin bowling, Parcheesi and high speed renditions of the stupid dance that accompanies the Village People classic YMCA.
UVic wins national championships in rowing, rugby and Village Peopling.
108 second-year students in the faculty of law launch a class action suit arguing that grades are damaging to their self-esteem and their job prospects.
108 law students graduate from the program with straight As
Grades are declared elitist and replaced by colours.
Students rebel when undergraduate requirements for certain third-year courses are raised to mauve. A compromise is reached and most faculties will allow you into the masters program with a teal average.
The provincial government declares education funding their number one priority.
All remaining provincial funding is cut.
The Martlet runs a story praising the university administration, becoming the first university paper in history ever to do so and thus fulfilling the seventh sign of the apocalypse.
In order to become more environmentally friendly and encourage students to take transit, all but three parking spaces are covered by new faculty buildings. Everyone still brings their cars to school and it takes no longer to find a space than it has in any year since 1985.
A UVic graduate is elected prime minister. Other alumni feel shame but continue to contribute anyway.
With buildings now covering virtually every centimetre on campus, Ring Road is officially declared a parking lot.
Thanks to continued expansion there is now only one tree left on campus. In the annual Macleans survey UVic retains the title as greenest university in Canada.
A graduate of the UVic entrepreneurship program buys the university and announces plans to re-start it as a small, intimate campus with a focus on a classical education, and plenty of green space. The Martlet runs an editorial claiming hes lost his faculties.
||Before the word millennium is officially outlawed, its time to gaze into the crystal ball now available next to House of the Dead 2 in the SUB video arcade and reflect on the highlights of the universitys next 100 years.
Mark Leiren-Youngplaywright, journalist and screenwriterregularly contributes to Time Magazine, Utne Reader,the Georgia Straight, and the Vancouver Sun.
Illustration by Bill Schuss