[Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and Sexton, in gowns; and
the Watch, with CONRADE and BORACHIO]
DOGBERRY: Is our whole dissembly appeared?
VERGES: O, a stool and a cushion for the sexton.
Sexton: Which be the malefactors?
DOGBERRY: Marry, that am I and my partner.
VERGES: Nay, that's certain; we have the exhibition to examine. 
Sexton: But which are the offenders that are to be
examined? let them come before master constable.
DOGBERRY: Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your
BORACHIO: Borachio. 
DOGBERRY: Pray, write down, Borachio. Yours, sirrah?
CONRADE: I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.
DOGBERRY: Write down, master gentleman Conrade. Masters, do
you serve God?
CONRADE: | 
| Yea, sir, we hope.
DOGBERRY: Write down, that they hope they serve God: and
write God first; for God defend but God should go
before such villains! Masters, it is proved already 
that you are little better than false knaves; and it
will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer
you for yourselves?
CONRADE: Marry, sir, we say we are none.
DOGBERRY: A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you: but I 
will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah; a
word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought
you are false knaves.
BORACHIO: Sir, I say to you we are none.
DOGBERRY: Well, stand aside. 'Fore God, they are both in a 
tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?
Sexton: Master constable, you go not the way to examine:
you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.
DOGBERRY: Yea, marry, that's the eftest way. Let the watch
come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the prince's 
name, accuse these men.
First Watchman: This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince's
brother, was a villain.
DOGBERRY: Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat
perjury, to call a prince's brother villain. 
BORACHIO: Master constable,--
DOGBERRY: Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look,
I promise thee.
Sexton: What heard you him say else?
Second Watchman: Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of 
Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.
DOGBERRY: Flat burglary as ever was committed.
VERGES: Yea, by mass, that it is.
Sexton: What else, fellow?
First Watchman: And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, to 
disgrace Hero before the whole assembly. and not marry her.
DOGBERRY: O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting
redemption for this.
Sexton: What else?
Watchman: This is all. 
Sexton: And this is more, masters, than you can deny.
Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away;
Hero was in this manner accused, in this very manner
refused, and upon the grief of this suddenly died.
Master constable, let these men be bound, and 
brought to Leonato's: I will go before and show
him their examination.
DOGBERRY: Come, let them be opinioned.
VERGES: Let them be in the hands--
CONRADE: Off, coxcomb! 
DOGBERRY: God's my life, where's the sexton? let him write
down the prince's officer coxcomb. Come, bind them.
Thou naughty varlet!
CONRADE: Away! you are an ass, you are an ass.
DOGBERRY: Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not 
suspect my years? O that he were here to write me
down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an
ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not
that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of
piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. 
I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer,
and, which is more, a householder, and, which is
more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in
Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a
rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath 
had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every
thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that
I had been writ down an ass!