[Offering KENT his cap.]
KING LEAR: How now, my pretty knave! how dost thou?
Fool: Sirrah, you were best take my coxcomb.
KENT: Why, fool?
Fool: Why, for taking one's part that's out of favour: 
nay, an thou canst not smile as the wind sits, thou'lt
catch cold shortly: there, take my coxcomb: why,
this fellow has banished two on's daughters, and did
the third a blessing against his will; if thou follow him,
thou must needs wear my coxcomb. How now, 
nuncle! Would I had two coxcombs and two
KING LEAR: Why, my boy?
Fool: If I gave them all my living, I'd keep my cox-
combs myself. There's mine; beg another of thy 
KING LEAR: Take heed, sirrah; the whip.
Fool: Truth's a dog must to kennel; he must be
whipped out, when Lady the brach may stand by the
fire and stink. 
KING LEAR: A pestilent gall to me!
Fool: Sirrah, I'll teach thee a speech.
KING LEAR: Do.
Fool: Mark it, nuncle:
Have more than thou showest, 
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less than thou throwest; 
Leave thy drink and thy whore,
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
KENT: This is nothing, fool. 
Fool: Then 'tis like the breath of an unfee'd lawyer;
you gave me nothing for't. Can you make no use
of nothing, nuncle?
KING LEAR: Why, no, boy; nothing can be made out of
Fool: [To KENT] Prithee, tell him, so much the rent
of his land comes to: he will not believe a fool.
KING LEAR: A bitter fool!
Fool: Dost thou know the difference, my boy,
between a bitter fool and a sweet fool? 
KING LEAR: No, lad; teach me.
Fool: That lord that counsell'd thee
To give away thy land,
Come place him here by me,
Do thou for him stand: 
The sweet and bitter fool
Will presently appear;
The one in motley here,
The other found out there.
KING LEAR: Dost thou call me fool, boy? 
Fool: All thy other titles thou hast given away; that
thou wast born with.
KENT: This is not altogether fool, my lord.
Fool: No, faith, lords and great men will not let me;
if I had a monopoly out, they would have part on't: 
and ladies too, they will not let me have all fool
to myself; they'll be snatching. Give me an
egg, nuncle, and I'll give thee two crowns.
KING LEAR: What two crowns shall they be?
Fool: Why, after I have cut the egg i' the middle, and [Singing.]
eat up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou
clovest thy crown i' the middle, and gavest away both
parts, thou borest thy ass on thy back o'er the dirt:
thou hadst little wit in thy bald crown, when thou
gavest thy golden one away. If I speak like myself 
in this, let him be whipped that first finds it so.
Fools had ne'er less wit in a year;
For wise men are grown foppish,
They know not how their wits to wear,
Their manners are so apish. 
KING LEAR: When were you wont to be so full of songs,
Fool: I have used it, nuncle, ever since thou madest[Singing.]
thy daughters thy mother: for when thou gavest
them the rod, and put'st down thine own breeches, 
Then they for sudden joy did weep,
And I for sorrow sung,
That such a king should play bo-peep,
And go the fools among.
Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach 
thy fool to lie: I would fain learn to lie.
KING LEAR: An you lie, sirrah, we'll have you whipped.
Fool: I marvel what kin thou and thy daughters are:
they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am 
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be thee,
nuncle; thou hast pared thy wit o' both sides, and left
nothing i' the middle: here comes one o' the parings.
KING LEAR: How now, daughter! what makes that frontlet 
on? Methinks you are too much of late i' the frown.
Fool: Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no[Pointing to KING LEAR.]
need to care for her frowning; now thou art an O
without a figure: I am better than thou art now; I am
a fool, thou art nothing.[To GONERIL.] Yes, forsooth, 
I will hold my tongue; so your face bids me, though
you say nothing. Mum, mum,
He that keeps nor crust nor crum,
Weary of all, shall want some.
That's a shealed peascod. 
GONERIL: Not only, sir, this your all-licensed fool,
But other of your insolent retinue
Do hourly carp and quarrel; breaking forth
In rank and not-to-be endured riots. Sir,
I had thought, by making this well known unto you, 
To have found a safe redress; but now grow fearful,
By what yourself too late have spoke and done.
That you protect this course, and put it on
By your allowance; which if you should, the fault
Would not 'scape censure, nor the redresses sleep, 
Which, in the tender of a wholesome weal,
Might in their working do you that offence,
Which else were shame, that then necessity
Will call discreet proceeding.
Fool: For, you trow, nuncle, 
The hedge-sparrow fed the cuckoo so long,
That it's had it head bit off by it young.
So, out went the candle, and we were left darkling.
KING LEAR: Are you our daughter?
GONERIL: Come, sir, 
I would you would make use of that good wisdom,
Whereof I know you are fraught; and put away
These dispositions, that of late transform you
From what you rightly are.
Fool: May not an ass know when the cart draws the horse? 
Whoop, Jug! I love thee.
KING LEAR: Doth any here know me? This is not Lear:
Doth Lear walk thus? speak thus? Where are his eyes?
Either his notion weakens, his discernings
Are lethargied--Ha! waking? 'tis not so. 
Who is it that can tell me who I am?
Fool: Lear's shadow.
KING LEAR: I would learn that; for, by the marks of sover-
eignty, knowledge, and reason, I should be false
persuaded I had daughters. 
Fool: Which they will make an obedient father.
KING LEAR: Your name, fair gentlewoman?
GONERIL: This admiration, sir, is much o' the savour
Of other your new pranks. I do beseech you
To understand my purposes aright: 
As you are old and reverend, you should be wise.
Here do you keep a hundred knights and squires;
Men so disorder'd, so debosh'd and bold,
That this our court, infected with their manners,
Shows like a riotous inn: epicurism and lust 
Make it more like a tavern or a brothel
Than a graced palace. The shame itself doth speak
For instant remedy: be then desired
By her, that else will take the thing she begs,
A little to disquantity your train; 
And the remainder, that shall still depend,
To be such men as may besort your age,
And know themselves and you.