The Story of Me and the Caterpiller


I was walking home the other day after class and noticing what a beautiful day it was.  The wind was quiescent, sun was warm and smiling, the sky was blue and bright, and I was just taking in all of that fresh air.  Suddenly, to my surprise, I saw a small furry caterpillar creeping across the sidewalk. 

I swooped down low and grinned, "Hello little caterpillar, how are you on this beautiful sunshiny day?" 

"Fuck off," he replied. 

I was startled and staggered back.   I had never heard a caterpillar speak before, and if I had thought of one speaking the last words that I would have expected to hear would have been "Fuck off".  I looked again and the caterpillar was still lazily creeping along.  I got up my guts, took one step towards him, crouched down and peered very closely to his fuzzy form. 

"Kiss my hairy ass!" the caterpillar blurted out in a gruff voice. "I'm trying to creep here, and I can't damn well creep with your bastard ugly face in my fucking way!" 

At this I was very taken aback.  How could a wonderful looking caterpillar, one of Mother Nature's creatures, be such an asshole?  "Now look here!" I exclaimed, "What gives you the right to talk to me that way.  There is enough room on the sidewalk for both of us and I was just saying hello." 

The caterpillar looked at me.  I had never realized before that caterpillars could look at anything.  "Listen you bitch ass whore, I've just come out to spend some time in the spring sun and to enjoy the heat.  Every year we come out and you human pukes put my kind in jars, kill us off of our trees, and pretty much cause hell for us and anything else that isn't bipedal.  You have completely destroyed everything that was supposed to grow here and you havenít left a thing for anything else.  If any of us try to move in and live here anyways you come along and kill us just for presuming to want to live on 'your' trees. 

ìSome of you narcissistic apes fancy yourselves to be ëenlightenedí and so you save cute little baby seals and let the rest of us rot.  Some of you self-centered monkeys even think that it is wrong to eat meat, so instead you plow up all of the rest of the areas that we could be living in and plant monoculture crops there that would be unhealthy even if we could live there, but we can't because you spray poisons everywhere that kill everything that moves just so you can get a bit more production out of the land that you have taken for yourselves. 

ìAnd all of you egotistical two-legged morons, enlightened or not, continue to spout out more greenhouse gasses, ozone depleters, acid rain, heavy metals, pesticides, and other amazingly destructive pollutants than I can possibly imagine.  Some of you evolutionary misfits say that this is wrong and that you should stop, and so instead of doing it yourself you get another ignorant hominid to do it for you. 

ìYou know, it isn't us that are going to get fucked over in the end.  There were six-legged things crawling around in the Paleozoic, long before there were even mammals around much less egotistical primates such as yourselves.  We have already survived many mass extinctions and we won't be destroyed by a few little stupid monkeys.  All that will happen is you bipedal monsters will put enough shit into your environment and fuck up enough of the natural balance that you will make it impossible for you to survive.  Because no matter what you fucked up bastards think you are merely pawns of nature and have absolutely no control over your environment at all.  But since all of you morons are egomaniacs none of you will realize this and you will quickly all destroy yourselves.  And a good thing to because Iím sick of all of your shit and I can't wait to be rid of you. 

ìSo what I am suggesting to you is that you fuck off and leave me alone because I am sick and tired of all that shit and I am making a stand.    A stand again human kind, a stand against you big fashion jackasses who care more about who's buying this weekend and what's being paved next than the creatures on earth or even the earth itself.  I'm making a stand to say for fuckís sake give a damn so we don't 

have to wait for you to destroy yourself and then pick up the pieces.  Every day when you wake up breath in the air and tell yourself that it smells like shit and that we need to clean it up, for the sake of yourselves and the rest of life on earth!!!" 

The little caterpillar was heaving after his emotional and heartfelt speech, and I am sure somewhere little trumpets were playing.  I got up from my crouched position and stepped on the little bastard cause nobody tells me to fuck off! 


the end