The Story of Me and the Caterpiller
I was walking home the other day
after class and noticing what a beautiful day it was.
The wind was quiescent, sun was warm and smiling, the sky was
blue and bright, and I was just taking in all of that fresh air. Suddenly, to my surprise, I saw a small
furry caterpillar creeping across the sidewalk.
I swooped down low and grinned, "Hello little
caterpillar, how are you on this beautiful sunshiny day?"
"Fuck off," he replied.
I was startled and staggered
back. I had never heard a caterpillar
speak before, and if I had thought of one speaking the last words that
have expected to hear would have been "Fuck off". I
looked again and the caterpillar was still
lazily creeping along. I got up my
guts, took one step towards him, crouched down and peered very closely
"Kiss my hairy ass!" the
caterpillar blurted out in a gruff voice. "I'm trying to creep here,
can't damn well creep with your bastard ugly face in my fucking way!"
At this I was very taken
aback. How could a wonderful looking
caterpillar, one of Mother Nature's creatures, be such an asshole? "Now look here!" I exclaimed,
"What gives you the right to talk to me that way. There
is enough room on the sidewalk for
both of us and I was just saying hello."
The caterpillar looked at me. I had
never realized before that
caterpillars could look at anything. "Listen
you bitch ass whore, I've just come out to spend some time
in the spring sun and to enjoy the heat. Every
year we come out and you human pukes put my kind in jars, kill us
off of our trees, and pretty much cause hell for us and anything else
isn't bipedal. You have completely
destroyed everything that was supposed to grow here and you havenít
thing for anything else. If any of us
try to move in and live here anyways you come along and kill us just
presuming to want to live on 'your' trees.
ěSome of you narcissistic apes fancy yourselves to
be ëenlightenedí and so you save cute little baby seals and let the
rest of us
rot. Some of you self-centered monkeys
even think that it is wrong to eat meat, so instead you plow up all of
of the areas that we could be living in and plant monoculture crops
would be unhealthy even if we could live there, but we can't because
poisons everywhere that kill everything that moves just so you can get
more production out of the land that you have taken for yourselves.
ěAnd all of you egotistical
two-legged morons, enlightened or not, continue to spout out more
gasses, ozone depleters, acid rain, heavy metals, pesticides, and other
amazingly destructive pollutants than I can possibly imagine. Some of you evolutionary misfits say that
this is wrong and that you should stop, and so instead of doing it
get another ignorant hominid to do it for you.
ěYou know, it isn't us that are
going to get fucked over in the end. There
were six-legged things crawling around in the Paleozoic, long
before there were even mammals around much less egotistical primates
yourselves. We have already survived
many mass extinctions and we won't be destroyed by a few little stupid
monkeys. All that will happen is you
bipedal monsters will put enough shit into your environment and fuck up
of the natural balance that you will make it impossible for you to
survive. Because no matter what you
fucked up bastards think you are merely pawns of nature and have
control over your environment at all. But
since all of you morons are egomaniacs none of you will realize this
and you will quickly all destroy yourselves. And
a good thing to because Iím sick of all of your shit and I can't
wait to be rid of you.
ěSo what I am suggesting to you is
that you fuck off and leave me alone because I am sick and tired of all
shit and I am making a stand. A
again human kind, a stand against you big fashion jackasses who care
who's buying this weekend and what's being paved next than the
earth or even the earth itself. I'm
making a stand to say for fuckís sake give a damn so we don't
have to wait for you to destroy yourself and then pick up
the pieces. Every day when you wake up
breath in the air and tell yourself that it smells like shit and that
to clean it up, for the sake of yourselves and the rest of life on
The little caterpillar was heaving
after his emotional and heartfelt speech, and I am sure somewhere
trumpets were playing. I got up from my
crouched position and stepped on the little bastard cause nobody tells